Sunday, October 21

Expectations - Marriage (Part 2)

Disclaimer : No intention of negativity in the entire series of Expectations. Just my honest opinions and personal experiences.

Previously, I wrote about the expectations in dating. This entry, I'll be continuing on expectations in marriage. Yes, the M word..

1.  Have you ever noticed women tends to take care of themselves before marriage to create a sort of impression for their partners and his friends and family? Well, even men, I suppose. 

2.  Then after marriage, they morph into another person, totally different from the dating days. 

3.  During the dating "season", you accept everything about your partner. AFTER marriage, you will have an opinion on every single thing. 

Many of us, be it men or women, will never wanna be honest and truthful about things to a certain extent, let's face it. I was such a person too, pretty much in delusion, thinking that I can fabricate a certain degree of truth from the delusional mentality. No ladies (and men), I tried, and deep down, I failed and it not only caused more harm to my personal well-being, it caused unnecessary stress to "pretend" to be who I'm not. I asked myself why I had to set unrealistic expectations for my marriage. 

I reevaluated my marriage expectations and today, I'm a happier wife and mother. I don't have to put up a front for the "perfect" family that I was trying to create. Subconsciously, we want perfection, however, we don't want to believe that we have problems with our expectations and THAT IS A FACT.

In actuality, we based on personal temperament to create those expectations

We tend to compare our marriages with our parents' marriages. If we have loving parents, we would want that kind of marriage too. If we come from a single-parent family, we would fear for "history to repeat itself" and we end up being negative in our own marriage. Every single marriage is different. You can be married thrice and you will face very different problems in each marriage. But if the big D occurs one to many times, then something has gone wrong somewhere and it's usually, expectations.

"He/She expects too much from me and I had enough!" 

Which person in the right frame of mind would wanna be married then divorced? Everyone hopes for a happily ever after. It's good to set a certain expectations on what you want in your marriage with your spouse but it has to be realistic enough to be compromised with each other. You don't expect to lay the rules and expect your spouse to obey. It doesn't work that way. In-laws are bound to step in and give their "opinions" on almost everything, thinking that the newly-weds won't be able to handle marriage. 

Marriage is a totally different ball game, compared to dating. Opinions tend to vary. Expectations need to be reevaluated. Don't envy other happy couples and hope that your marriage will turn out to be so beautiful too. A blissful marriage takes A LOT of hard work, sweat and tears. If you're not prepared, don't say 'Yes". However, don't listen to others about marriage. Some will paint beautiful pictures about how great marriage is. Others will trash marriage like they had walked into a trap. 

Phrases/Questions that often comes out from the spouse's mouth..:

- why aren't you like you were when we were dating?

- you were not like this before...

- you don't love me anymore right?

- are you seeing someone else now that's why you're behaving like that?

- how come I didn't know you like ... (this)?

- you are no longer as romantic as you were before

- what happened to us?

Even if it doesn't happen to you, it may have happened to someone you know. Before marriage, men/women will do ALL to win 100% of the person's heart, setting unrealistic mindset to solidify the relationship. When everything seemed stable and they move on to the next stage, everything becomes different over the years. Men/Women tend to have the perception that problems will be solved eventually, on their own. 

"I just have to do in another way and my spouse will know I'm doing it right..."

Another common expectation that married couples tend to set for their spouse is the ability to read what goes on in their mind.

Don't expect your spouse to know everything. Some instances, it takes two to tango. We need to open our golden mouth to tell our spouse what we want from them and why. Some women will comment, "You used to know what I want, why don't you know what I want now?" The perception during dating and after marriage will not go in sync if the expectations were not addressed from the start. 

I believe that one has to be verbal about what they want, how they feel. Some people just need that constant reminder (like my husband) and you just need to be more sensitive to observe what you spouse likes, how your spouse feels and what your spouse wants. It's not easy to maintain a marriage. How you want your spouse to be sensitive towards your feelings, likewise, you've gotta do the same or else, your marriage will end up down south.

Voicing out in a different expression makes a lot of difference. It speaks a lot about who you are as a person too.

For example, instead of saying..:

- "After work, go to the grocer and get some groceries before coming home. Buy _____."

You can say this..:

- "Dear, do you mind stopping by the grocer and buy some stuff for home? We need a couple of things like _______. Shall I text you the list or shall we go together?"

The approach needs to be different to make your partner sort of "more willing to do it" because you have put it in a nice way. Don't expect your partner to be at your beck and call.

Remember, being in a marriage is not the same as being in a "dating" relationship. Don't expect too much in the marriage, in the sense of doing things they way YOU want it because you THINK it's right. Everyone is brought up by their parents in a different way. Every household has a different code of conduct. Every family has different ideas on values. You should come to a compromise on the way you want your marriage to be based on. Do you wanna based your marriage on unrealistic expectations because "that's how you want it to be" or do you want your marriage based on what is compromised, based on both of your expectations? Be able to debate with your spouse on ideas because you can see what kind of mentality your spouse has and tap on that strength/weakness of theirs. 

I hope this entry has opened up your mind about expectations in marriage. Feel free to leave your comments on our Facebook page. 'Like' our page to show your support for Mothers' Avenue!!

Thanks for reading y'all =)

xo, A.

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