Tuesday, March 19

It's ok, I survived!

Growing up "alone" (as in the only child), I'm fortunate to have my mother as my pillar of strength. I watched her battle her illness as she pushed on to work to provide a domestic helper for my late grandmother and on top of that, tolerated my dad's nonsense. I was affected in a way. What I witnessed growing up drove me to make a pact with myself that I need to find the right husband and provide the best no matter how tough life is or will be for my family.

The turning point of my life was when my mom decided to divorce my dad after I was battered by him 11 years ago for "arguing" with him. I ran away from home, for the first time. I stayed out and I only contacted my mother. I was angry, hurt, bruised and emotionally scarred. Of course, I fought it out with him, tore his T-shirt and took a pen-knife out (hahaha) and told him to back off. Hello, I was 18 & I wasn't gonna let anyone hit me for no reason.

Fast forward, he left home and even left my mom in debts. HIS debts.

Mom, my late grandma and I were forced to leave our home because he did not pay the utilities and my mom couldn't pay up on time, we moved to my mom's best friend's little home. My mom was at work when I packed up the luggage and brought important things along to her friend's house. My late grandmother was so disappointed and I remembered her telling me that it was okay, so long as we're united as a family. I had tears in my eyes as I walked out of my home and I hated my dad for a very long time...

So we stayed with my mom's best friend for two years. Within those two years, I worked, I slipped into depression, I started getting angry at everyone, I rebelled.. I just wasn't myself. I was just an angry person all the time. My mom had a hard time going through my transition and we quarrelled a lot. Until my mom managed to get a place (we're still living here) and she shaped up her life and survived through the ordeal. 

For many years (until I met R), I was just pure rebellious. I didn't even go home some nights. I stayed out with friends.. I got into troubles, I was a hot mess. Looking back now, why did I do that? I was just filling up the void in my heart. I didn't care how others felt, especially my mom. I just wanted to numb my anger. I got sick so often and I even swallowed a whole box of panadols and just wanted to die. (SO DRAMATIC RIGHT!) On the surface, I looked perfectly normal but I was dying and screaming inside.

What have I not gone through? The high life? Checked. The rebel stage? Checked. The down life? Checked. After so many many years, my dad finally got sick and now, he can't walk anymore. Though I still get frustrated with him when he gets demanding, I forgave him for what he did to us and we still visit him at the nursing home from time to time. Mom will still cook for him and he will still call her weekly. She doesn't love him anymore, but she remembers the good he had done for her when she was very ill and he also took care of my late grandmother. She was grateful. Even though their marriage crumbled after 22 years, they remained friends. 

My mom always remind me that whatever trials and tribulations we go through, it's God's test for us and we must pass every test given. When I met R, he changed my life and made me a better person. I stopped rebelling, i stopped my night life, I was more focused at work and I had goals. 

Today, my mom is doing very well and whatever we had gone through as a family made me a stronger person. My grandmother's passing also made me realise that life isn't just about having money or a a battalion of friends or having everything you want. It is about the number of knocks of problems that present itself in life and conquering them with different emotions, that makes one stronger. Even though I've gone through worst in life, it's this stage where everything changes for me.

It was the turning point. It was when my life began.

I'm 29 this year, and I know I have a long way more to go... more drama to come!

Linking up

xo
from The Momma
Pomaika`i

16 comments :

  1. Hi Ashley, I think your mum has a very big heart to forgive your father, and so do you. people say that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I think you have just proven it to be true. Hugs!

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    1. Thanks Adora. It took me awhile to forgive him but it does make me a stronger person!

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  2. Can I send you a virtual hug? I had a feeling you were someone who had been through a lot but I didn't imagine something like this. I'm so glad you found the person you could love and will not treat you the way your dad did. It's cliche to say this, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I could definitely see the strength in you when I first spoke to you. :)

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    1. Thanks Chrystal! Hahahah! *virtual hug back*

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  3. WOw. your mom have a very large heart. till today i still cannot find the heartto fully forgive my mum.

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  4. Thanks Irene.. =) I don't know what happened between you and your mom but I always believe when something happens, it's either a wake-up call, karma or a "cause-and-effect" situation. For my mom's case, it was a wake-up call to leave my dad because she was holding back for so many years and it had caused alot of unhappiness to herself and me. They are better off as friends. But I can't be a friend to my dad because no matter what, his blood runs in me. It's your call to forgive your mom but remember that God has his reasons to make you her daughter. See you in Facebook!

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  5. Virtual hug from me too! Jiayou u can do it! :)

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  6. ooooh it's amazing how that one decision to forgive can bring more life into the family! So proud of you and how you've pulled through! You're going to be a solid bom pi pi mummy!! =)

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    1. Thanks Jiahui! I'm sure there were many people out there who went through worst than my family. At least, we survived through!!

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  7. What else but a big hug for you Ashley! And please we must let the kids have a play date!! SMS Me! :D

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    1. CONNIE!!! Thanks! Big hug back! Haha, sure sure! I guess the last time Isa saw Sophia was during the one-month old celebration right???!!! Oh man! Wait for Roger to come back and see if I can arrange for a play date for the kids!

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  8. Thanks for being so open to share your story Ashley. I have no doubt that u are one who have plenty of dramatic stories in your life to share, cos u are exactly right, some of us do have many tests that we have to experience that God allows us to experience, to refine us. We don't really go looking for drama, the drama comes looking...hehe...

    Very wise words u have added in this post 'ife isn't just about having money or a a battalion of friends or having everything you want. It is about the number of knocks of problems that present itself in life and conquering them with different emotions, that makes one stronger.' I wish that I had your wisdom at 29, can see how these trials that u experienced have made u a pretty old soul for your age :P

    Can just tell that little Sophia is going to grow up to be a fine young woman and she is blessed to have a mommy who will give her this perspective about life.

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    1. Thanks Rachel =) I'm sure you're a very strong woman too. I read your entry, I was like "wow, really..." and I could kinda relate. God may make men strong physically and mentally, but He made us women strong emotionally and like what psychologists would say, "it's the mind over body"! I enjoyed my time with SMB and thank you for having me part of this family.

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  9. Wow! What a touching real life story of yours. You have been through so much at tis age, buy hey, you pulled it through! I am sure with your attitudes, you can face all things in life. So proud of you!!! I must always remember to count my blessings and being grateful off the things I have. Thanks for sharing!!

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Mahalo!

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